Today I want to touch on a topic that, unfortunately, hits pretty close to home with us, and that grandparents should not do: Favoritism.
I don’t care who was born first, or who you live closest to, don’t spend more time or money on one grandchild than any of your other ones. Not only does this hurt the grandchildren, but it also really hurts your child, a lot.
We have this problem with my in-laws. Three of their four children live in the same city, now all with kids. My nephew was born 11 months before my daughter. They watch him every other week during the day. My daughter came along and we got a song and dance about how newborns really just weren’t their thing. They didn’t know what to do with them. However, remember the nephew? I saw her holding him, a lot. My daughter got older and nothing changed. Whenever they came to visit they stayed at my nephew’s house, not ours. My son came along. Still nothing. They have stayed at our new house a total of 3 times I think in the past 6 months, and every other time (like I said, they’re up here at least once every two weeks) have stayed at my nephew’s.
Fast forward to today. Hubby’s other sister just had a baby. I don’t think the in-laws have left the new baby yet. My son had his birthday party last weekend. In-laws came with new baby, and left before party was over with new baby. They didn’t even spend extra time with my son…on his birthday.
There are many other examples of this, but the purpose of this is not to sit and complain, it’s to educate. My daughter has now started asking me questions about why grandma and grandpa are over at her cousin’s more than her house. And why they sleep there and not at her house. I can’t answer them without tearing up. And I can’t stand to see my children upset over something that is so preventable.
Friends that I talk to tell me that moms are always closer to their daughters and that’s why they are at the other grandchildren’s houses. I refuse to accept that. She had a son. A son that is deeply hurt that his parents would rather see their other grandchildren than his kids. Besides, I don’t see his dad coming over by himself to hang out with the kids. So I’m not only dealing with a daughter that is starting to understand what’s going on, I’m also dealing with a husband that feels rejected and that there’s nothing he can do to fix it. We’ve tried inviting them over a ton. When we ask them if they want to watch the kids it always seems like it’s such a hassle for them (did I mention they are in their 50’s and retired, active, healthy people?).
My friend’s parents do it a little differently. They have a set of grandchildren that are close and then a set that lives one state over. Instead of coming down to visit the out-of-state grandkids, they just try to buy them things. This hurts my friend as not only does she not get to see her mom, but her children don’t get to know their grandparents either. Toys and gifts don’t make up for personal time…ever.
So please, even if you think you’re being fair, review your activities and make sure. And if you’re really awesome, talk to each of your kids about it. My dad talks to me all the time when he feels like maybe he’s spent more time with my son than with my daughter. And I have a very open relationship with my parents in that they know the struggles with the in-laws, and they are making notes about how to be fair when my sisters start having children.
You have to understand…kids love their grandparents. There’s nothing more special to them in this world (especially when they are little) than their grandparents. So make sure that you are fair to all of them, because even though they are little, they sure see and understand a lot of things, and equality is one of the biggest things they are looking out for.
The Ultimate Grandparents 
I couldn’t agree with this more. My husband has two siblings who live in the same town as their mother. Both siblings have children. The sister’s little boy gets all the grandmother’s love and attention, while the brothers two children get almost nothing. Well, that’s not true, they get a fair amount of disdain, which is even worse. There’s nothing wrong with these two kids; in fact, they’re charming and well behaved. My mother-in-law is just a b-word.
As for us, we live far enough away that contact with Grandma is minimal. When we are together, the hierarchy with the grandma is: the little boy, then my two girls, and then finally the other boy and girl. Not fair, not fair at all.
Within my family, things are much more fair. My mother, in particular, has no favorites and gives everyone the same amount of love. My stepmother… well, she needs to work on the favoritism thing, but luckily my girls haven’t noticed the difference.
okay I so see your point, as my children grew up like that. There was always one special grandchild but hey we moved away, did out thing and bingo, we are now grandparents to 4 wonderful children.
My dilema is and always has been, the twins live with us, they were our first grandchildren and needed us from the start due to their drug running, thieving so called mother. Our son is their dad, but at 17 he wasn’t ready to be a dad, so we took over. The twins didn’t ask to be born and their crappy life wasn’t fair.
Then along came our daughters beautiful little girl. But they lived in Texas and us in Washington. So far, too many states but hey this grandma called every single day and I still do.
Five years later along came our other beautiful granddaughter, our miracle baby as we call her. Our daughter was almost lost as well as our granddaughter. BUT and here’s the BUT!! WE included all the children in this event. Headed right over to Idaho where they moved to from Texas, and the twins and Miranda’s older sister Mikayla helped take care of Miranda. Learned the heart monitor, how to change diapers, how to hold her etc. All together as ONE and that’s the way I like it.
I have had many talks with the twins and with Miranda and Mikayla. I know I asked the twins how they think the girls feel. They live with us and see us 24/7 yet the girls only see us a few times a year. So when we are all together I apologize if I seem to spend more time with the girls. It’s great but the twins understand and tell me they love their cousins and all is good.
Now it’s the older ones taking the little ones out to the movie, shopping etc and the little girls just love it. They idolize their older cousins. I know Mikayla adores Ashley especially when Ashley cleans out her closet and passes all the “neat” clothes down.
Miranda tells Bryce he is a fun cousin. Now how lucky am I??? A Grandmother, yet mother, yet always open with everyone. No favortism allowed in this house. Of course the 6yr old gets treated different from the 11 yr old or the 18 yrs old, but that’s just age. They all know we love them deeply, all like our own.
Now we have the girls for 3 weeks, well, boo hoo only one week left now and I tell you this house is AWESOME. So full of family and love and absolutely no jealousy at all.
Speaking as a grandmother I honestly don’t know how any grandparent can go without seeing their grandchildren, ALL OF THEM. I can’t do it. If I don’t see the girls, we chat daily, I mean the grandchildren are the best thing that has ever happened to me and my hubby.
For all of you out there having any problems, trust me I am open to be the “cyber space Grandma Sherry” to any and all!!!!
I honestly absolutely without a doubt love all of my grandchildren equally and I am blessed to have such a wonderful famiy, son in law, son’s girlfriend, my daughter, my mama, my hubby and my grandchildren.
Now with this blogging I feel I know so many of you and if we ever met, I just know I would love ALL of your family!!!
It was so refreshing to stumble across this website, particularly this article. My mother-in-law denies favoritism and it hasn’t affect my kids yet, but it affects my husband. What’s sad is that sooo many grandparents deny favoritism even when presented with articles and journal studies that address the issue. My situation is different however, because my MIL and FIL accuses me of not loving my step-son as a way to cover up their favoritism.
I cant stand my Mother inlaw and father inlaw purely for the fact my two children are not at all treated equally to the other grandchildren! The worst thing is i have a step daughter (my childrens big sister) That is one of the “favorites” so it sounds silly and immature but it makes me resent her for something the grandparents are doing!! Although she does play on it and try to get all the attention possible from the grandparents, i still just dont think what they are doing is right! 10 months before my first daughter was born their “first” grandson was born and he is also one of the 3 favorites, they would have him over night from day one, take him to the park, the movies, have him most weekends so the parents can relax, do things with him almost on a daily basis, where as my little girl rarely gets to do anything with them and when she does (about 4 times a year) my mother inlaw makes it seem like such hard work, oh and not to mention my 2nd daughter who is coming up 2 and hasnt even so much as been taken to the swings let alone had a sleep over. I just think this sort of favoritism form grandparents is totally inexcusable, i can understand a little bit of unfairness but when they make it so obvious that they love some grandchildren more than others it just breaks my heart 😦
I adopted a daughter prior to meeting my ex-husband and having a second child. What irks me is that I understand why it is easier for the grandparents and my ex to have a relationship with my second, but my first born doesn’t. How do you explain it to the child? I just want to move away closer to my parents who love both children.
I am so upset with my mother-in-law and just not sure what to do.I just do not want my children hurt and it just does not seem fair. The sun rises and set on my sister-in-laws son and my children get short shifted. She has been to every baseball/hockey and school event of my nephew but continuously misses the events important to the twins. She almost missed their 5th birthday and showed up at the very end. And when she is with us all she talks about is her other grandson. She has pratically raised her other grandson babysitting for him constantly and chauffauring him from school to lessons but she has barely spent any time with the twins and when she does she is too busy cleaning to pay much attention to them. Others tell me that she talks about the twins as if she is proud of them but why doesn’t she act that way. She treats them like they are 2nd class citizens. Oh she missed the twins pre-school graduation and big year end show which they practiced months for because she went to her daughter’s husband’s brother’s kid’s bar mitzvah. The twins were so excited about their big show and wanted to know where Grandma was. Shouldn’t something so important to them take precedent over a daughter’s in-laws relative’s bar mitzvah (she/we are not jewish). I guess it is more important to appease the favorite grandson’s cousin then her own grand children.