Discussing Your Feelings….

We’ve had a lot of anger and frustration building up about how my in-laws treat my kids versus their other grandkids.  We didn’t know how to handle it…we had fear (based on prior experience) that if we tried to bring the subject up it would start an all-out family war.  However, we knew that as Christians it was our job to approach the person we have a problem with and talk to them about it.

My husband did just that this past week and it truly seemed to do more good than harm, which is a relief.  He pulled his dad aside and talked to him about what was bothering us.  His dad was very receptive and seemed to really listen with an open heart.  We were told some things about why some of the supposed “favoritism” was going on which made it a little more clear to me (it still hurts a little, but at least I know it’s not out of malice towards us).

We haven’t had a chance to see if there’s any improvement yet as we have not seen them again since the conversation.  I pray that it gets better since my daughter has already started asking questions about why grandma and grandpa spend more time with her cousins than they do her.

My lesson here is that if something is bothering you, say something!  I’m sure you’re nervous about how it will come out, but at least you can feel confident that you did the right thing.  This goes for grandparents and their kids!  I was getting really nervous that if something major happened, my husband and I could blow up at any minute and then everything would come pouring out – all the hurt and anger because we had kept it inside for so long.  But now I feel better knowing that it’s been discussed and not kept inside any longer.

Little Ones (And Big Ones) Crave Equality

Today I want to touch on a topic that, unfortunately, hits pretty close to home with us, and that grandparents should not do:  Favoritism.

I don’t care who was born first, or who you live closest to, don’t spend more time or money on one grandchild than any of your other ones.  Not only does this hurt the grandchildren, but it also really hurts your child, a lot.

We have this problem with my in-laws.  Three of their four children live in the same city, now all with kids.  My nephew was born 11 months before my daughter.  They watch him every other week during the day.  My daughter came along and we got a song and dance about how newborns really just weren’t their thing.  They didn’t know what to do with them.  However, remember the nephew?  I saw her holding him, a lot.  My daughter got older and nothing changed.  Whenever they came to visit they stayed at my nephew’s house, not ours.  My son came along.  Still nothing.  They have stayed at our new house a total of 3 times I think in the past 6 months, and every other time (like I said, they’re up here at least once every two weeks) have stayed at my nephew’s.

Fast forward to today.  Hubby’s other sister just had a baby.  I don’t think the in-laws have left the new baby yet.  My son had his birthday party last weekend.  In-laws came with new baby, and left before party was over with new baby.  They didn’t even spend extra time with my son…on his birthday.

There are many other examples of this, but the purpose of this is not to sit and complain, it’s to educate.  My daughter has now started asking me questions about why grandma and grandpa are over at her cousin’s more than her house.  And why they sleep there and not at her house.  I can’t answer them without tearing up.  And I can’t stand to see my children upset over something that is so preventable.

Friends that I talk to tell me that moms are always closer to their daughters and that’s why they are at the other grandchildren’s houses.  I refuse to accept that.  She had a son.  A son that is deeply hurt that his parents would rather see their other grandchildren than his kids.  Besides, I don’t see his dad coming over by himself to hang out with the kids.  So I’m not only dealing with a daughter that is starting to understand what’s going on, I’m also dealing with a husband that feels rejected and that there’s nothing he can do to fix it.  We’ve tried inviting them over a ton.  When we ask them if they want to watch the kids it always seems like it’s such a hassle for them (did I mention they are in their 50’s and retired, active, healthy people?).

My friend’s parents do it a little differently.  They have a set of grandchildren that are close and then a set that lives one state over.  Instead of coming down to visit the out-of-state grandkids, they just try to buy them things.  This hurts my friend as not only does she not get to see her mom, but her children don’t get to know their grandparents either.  Toys and gifts don’t make up for personal time…ever.

So please, even if you think you’re being fair, review your activities and make sure.  And if you’re really awesome, talk to each of your kids about it.  My dad talks to me all the time when he feels like maybe he’s spent more time with my son than with my daughter.  And I have a very open relationship with my parents in that they know the struggles with the in-laws, and they are making notes about how to be fair when my sisters start having children.

You have to understand…kids love their grandparents.  There’s nothing more special to them in this world (especially when they are little) than their grandparents.  So make sure that you are fair to all of them, because even though they are little, they sure see and understand a lot of things, and equality is one of the biggest things they are looking out for.