Grandparents Can Really Do Too Much???

I was having dinner with our neighbors the other night and we got on the subject of grandparents.  One of the women has parents and in-laws that are the exact opposite of each other – Her parents do nothing, and her in-laws want to do everything.  Since I don’t have the latter, it was interesting listening to her frustrations.

 

She said that when she had her kids, her mother-in-law would come over and want to do everything (but nothing that was helpful) – she reorganized all of her drawers and closets (translates to this woman now had no idea where anything was) and kept bugging her to let her do more.

Like I said, I have never dealt with this, but I can see where it might be annoying.  For me, the ideal grandparent (especially as a new mom) would be someone that comes in and makes meals, and does general cleaning for me, and offers to take care of the baby when and only when the new mom needs a break.  Or a shower.  Or a nap.

One of the other women there shared her experience of her mother-in-law offering to bake this wonderful strawberry cake for her.  However, when she was done making it she went and sat her butt down on the couch, leaving the entire mess (sticky strawberry goo) for the new mom to clean up.  While this seems like an obvious problem to me (and most of you reading as well) apparently some people think it’s OK.

These two women also shared how when they were about to embark on motherhood their mothers told them “I raised my kids, don’t expect me to raise yours.”  What???  I think we need to look at the history of grandparenting – parenting should not stop when your kids turn 18.  Think about that all of you young men and women out there…don’t have kids if you want to be done at 18…it’s just not fair to your kids!

Little Ones (And Big Ones) Crave Equality

Today I want to touch on a topic that, unfortunately, hits pretty close to home with us, and that grandparents should not do:  Favoritism.

I don’t care who was born first, or who you live closest to, don’t spend more time or money on one grandchild than any of your other ones.  Not only does this hurt the grandchildren, but it also really hurts your child, a lot.

We have this problem with my in-laws.  Three of their four children live in the same city, now all with kids.  My nephew was born 11 months before my daughter.  They watch him every other week during the day.  My daughter came along and we got a song and dance about how newborns really just weren’t their thing.  They didn’t know what to do with them.  However, remember the nephew?  I saw her holding him, a lot.  My daughter got older and nothing changed.  Whenever they came to visit they stayed at my nephew’s house, not ours.  My son came along.  Still nothing.  They have stayed at our new house a total of 3 times I think in the past 6 months, and every other time (like I said, they’re up here at least once every two weeks) have stayed at my nephew’s.

Fast forward to today.  Hubby’s other sister just had a baby.  I don’t think the in-laws have left the new baby yet.  My son had his birthday party last weekend.  In-laws came with new baby, and left before party was over with new baby.  They didn’t even spend extra time with my son…on his birthday.

There are many other examples of this, but the purpose of this is not to sit and complain, it’s to educate.  My daughter has now started asking me questions about why grandma and grandpa are over at her cousin’s more than her house.  And why they sleep there and not at her house.  I can’t answer them without tearing up.  And I can’t stand to see my children upset over something that is so preventable.

Friends that I talk to tell me that moms are always closer to their daughters and that’s why they are at the other grandchildren’s houses.  I refuse to accept that.  She had a son.  A son that is deeply hurt that his parents would rather see their other grandchildren than his kids.  Besides, I don’t see his dad coming over by himself to hang out with the kids.  So I’m not only dealing with a daughter that is starting to understand what’s going on, I’m also dealing with a husband that feels rejected and that there’s nothing he can do to fix it.  We’ve tried inviting them over a ton.  When we ask them if they want to watch the kids it always seems like it’s such a hassle for them (did I mention they are in their 50’s and retired, active, healthy people?).

My friend’s parents do it a little differently.  They have a set of grandchildren that are close and then a set that lives one state over.  Instead of coming down to visit the out-of-state grandkids, they just try to buy them things.  This hurts my friend as not only does she not get to see her mom, but her children don’t get to know their grandparents either.  Toys and gifts don’t make up for personal time…ever.

So please, even if you think you’re being fair, review your activities and make sure.  And if you’re really awesome, talk to each of your kids about it.  My dad talks to me all the time when he feels like maybe he’s spent more time with my son than with my daughter.  And I have a very open relationship with my parents in that they know the struggles with the in-laws, and they are making notes about how to be fair when my sisters start having children.

You have to understand…kids love their grandparents.  There’s nothing more special to them in this world (especially when they are little) than their grandparents.  So make sure that you are fair to all of them, because even though they are little, they sure see and understand a lot of things, and equality is one of the biggest things they are looking out for. 

Grandparents: Baby-sit the Grandkids…Please!

Here’s the number one way to win “Grandparent of the Year” in my book – offer to baby-sit the grandkids as much as possible!

 I’m very fortunate…my parents watch my kids a lot!  Every weekend my dad will offer to watch the kids so that hubby and I can go out together.  It is so important to do things as a couple (or even by yourself) and we all know it’s pretty much impossible if you don’t have reliable people to watch your kids.  I’m also very fortunate that my parents watch my kids one day a week while I work, so my kids get a ton of good grandparent time.

 The other benefit of grandparents watching the kids is that a wonderful relationship is established between the grandkids and the grandparents.  I know some people that have parents that watch their kids once a year while they go on a mini-trip or something and the kids are screaming as the parents leave because they really have no idea who these people are that they are left with.

Now of course, this is intended for those grandparents that live close enough to make this a possibility.  For those that don’t, make sure that when you’re visiting or when your kids are visiting you that you offer to watch the kids at least once during the trip so that your kids can have a little break!

 So piece of advice #1:  Baby-sit those adorable little munchkins so your kids can have a break!

Introduction

Hello!

I am starting this blog (with the help of my husband) in order to help educate grandparents on being the best grandparents they can be.  We have two little ones and over the past four years have experienced a ton of good and bad grandparenting from our parents.  It seems that grandparents tend to forget what having little kids is like and that can be very frustrating!

 So as we think of things and as we get suggestions in we will post them here.  If nothing else, we want to be able to refer back to this when we ourselves are grandparents to help us remember what to do and not do with our kids and their new little ones!

 I hope you enjoy and please, feel free to comment and add your own suggestions when you comment.  We really would like all the input we can get!