Shopping at the Outlets!

This past weekend my mom and I did what has become a tradition over the past 4 years – we went to the outlets to buy my kids their clothes for the upcoming season.  We started this when my daughter was just a couple months old…we headed to the outlets which, fortunately for us, are only 1 hour away, and got tons of clothes for much cheaper than I would have paid in the mall. We always have a great time, even if it turns into a very exhausting day!  We go twice a year – once in the spring for the summer clothes and once in the fall for the winter clothes.  I usually don’t buy any other clothes during the year because I get everything I need during these trips. 

I want to make sure I do this with my kids when they have their kids!  My mom bought a lot of my kids’ clothes when they were first born, and I would like to do the same for my grandchildren because let’s face it, clothes aren’t cheap!  The thing I would do differently from my mom is I would probably give my kids a Visa gift card or something before we go.  My mom and I have different tastes in clothes, so she would tend to pick out clothes that I might not like as well, but since she was paying for them I felt guilty saying “no.”  So if I gave my kids a prepaid card, they could buy whatever they wanted without feeling guilty!

I look forward to these shopping trips and I hope we get many, many more!

My Parents Are Still Teaching Me!

There are a lot of times that even though I’ve asked him not to rock my son to sleep, my dad still does it when we’re not there.  I always got really annoyed because my son is so good about going to sleep by himself, so I was always scared that if he got in the habit of being rocked, then he would expect it every night.

There were also other things that my dad would do and tell me about…taking my son on walks in the woods and letting him touch all of the leaves on the trees.  I thought this was nice, but in my head I thought “there’s no way I have the time to do these things.”

Then I sat back and realized something…my dad was enjoying and relishing in all the things he didn’t do with us because there wasn’t enough time.  Through him, I got to see how important it is to take time to rock my son at night (if that is something I enjoy doing, which it is).  My dad worked really hard when my sisters and I were little.  He tells me often how much he regrets not being there for so much of our childhood.  That’s hard because I look at where he is now, and I’m not sure I would have wanted him to change anything.  When we were little he decided he no longer wanted to practice accounting, he wanted to teach it…to college kids.  So he and my mom sold their firm and he went to get his PhD.  So he spent a ton of time in school while we were growing up.  But because he did that, he is now one of the best professors and is able to take so much time off to come up and visit his grandkids.  So you see how his hard work has let him have lots of time off now?  That’s why I’m not sure I would have ever wanted it to be different.

Watch your parents around your kids…you might see through their eyes what really is important in life.  I doubt it will be a clean and perfectly organized house or having tons of friends that do stuff with all the time.  I bet it’s taking the time to just sit and hold your kids, or rock them, or cook with them, or just follow them around a live a day in their world.

I don’t want to end up like my dad regretting that I didn’t get to rock my kids enough, or take the time to show them how to do things, or read enough books to them.

 Thank you dad for reminding me that my kids are only little for such a short time and that I need to treasure every second of it

Discussing Your Feelings….

We’ve had a lot of anger and frustration building up about how my in-laws treat my kids versus their other grandkids.  We didn’t know how to handle it…we had fear (based on prior experience) that if we tried to bring the subject up it would start an all-out family war.  However, we knew that as Christians it was our job to approach the person we have a problem with and talk to them about it.

My husband did just that this past week and it truly seemed to do more good than harm, which is a relief.  He pulled his dad aside and talked to him about what was bothering us.  His dad was very receptive and seemed to really listen with an open heart.  We were told some things about why some of the supposed “favoritism” was going on which made it a little more clear to me (it still hurts a little, but at least I know it’s not out of malice towards us).

We haven’t had a chance to see if there’s any improvement yet as we have not seen them again since the conversation.  I pray that it gets better since my daughter has already started asking questions about why grandma and grandpa spend more time with her cousins than they do her.

My lesson here is that if something is bothering you, say something!  I’m sure you’re nervous about how it will come out, but at least you can feel confident that you did the right thing.  This goes for grandparents and their kids!  I was getting really nervous that if something major happened, my husband and I could blow up at any minute and then everything would come pouring out – all the hurt and anger because we had kept it inside for so long.  But now I feel better knowing that it’s been discussed and not kept inside any longer.

Long Distance Grandparenting

This is post is based some input and ideas by Jen at Jen on the Edge.

At lot of my posts have to do with grandparents that are close by, because, fortunately, both of our parents live within 1 ½ hours of us and visit us very frequently.  But for the majority of people, one or both sets of parents don’t live close by, so here are some helpful hints for them to still be able to stay close by their grandkids:

1.)    Call the kids on the phone!  My mom actually made me put the phone by my daughter’s ear when she was 3 months old because she wanted my daughter to get to know her voice.  I thought she was insane, but now looking back I realize how sweet that was!

**This also goes both ways…have the grandkids call the parents often as well!!!  I’m bad at this due to our busy schedule and my mom always “yells” at me because my kids hardly call her.

2.)    E-mail the kids as soon as they start using a computer regularly!  Kids love to get e-mails and how cool is it to get one from Grandma and Grandpa on a regular basis!  If you’re really cool, try setting up a webcam so that you and your grandkids can talk and see each other at the same time!

3.)    Mail the kids letters!  I only lived 45 minutes away from my grandmother when I was little, but I still loved getting letters from her and writing her back.

**Again, this goes both ways as well…have the kids write letters to Grandma and Grandpa too!

4.)    Call and “kiss” them goodnight!  You can read them a quick story (unlimited long distance would probably be a good investment at this point) or sing them a song.

5.)    Visit as often as you can!  You know everyone loves and misses you, so trek on over to their part of the woods and spend some good quality time with them!

Family History

History – I’ve never really thought about my family history.  I spend a lot of time preparing my kids’ scrapbooks so that they will always be able to look back and see pictures of themselves and read about funny things that they did.  Unfortunately, this really is the extent of my interest in family history.

But while sitting outside with my dad this weekend, he told me he got some video of his sister talking about her and my dad’s family history.  And he told me he’s trying to get his dad (who’s 92) to record how he and my grandmother met.  I smiled and said that was a good idea.

And then this morning it really hit me what a great idea that was.  If he doesn’t do that I will not have the information for my kids should they ever want to know where they came from.  I don’t have it at all from my mom’s side and unfortunately both of her parents have passed away.

So here’s my grandparenting tip for today:  Record your family history!  Whether it’s in writing, sitting in front of a video camera or through a collection of pictures and journals, it doesn’t matter, just pass it on!  My kids are going to ask me one day about their great-grandparents, and who from our family came over and brought us to America.  I want to make sure I have the answers to their questions!

And here’s my parenting tip:  Listen to your parents when they want to share their history!  I really need to work on this more, because I know how much my dad loves to share his past.

Be Considerate When Talking About Your Stress

This was an actual conversation with my mother on the phone last night:

 

Mom:  What are you doing?

Me:  Getting the kids ready for bed

Mom:  I’m bringing macaroni salad to your cookout on the 4^th

Me:  Great!

Mom:  What else are you having?

Me:  I have no idea…we just decided to have a cookout today.  I’ll probably decide on the 4^th and run to the store. *While talking I’m bathing kids, brushing teeth and trying to put a diaper on my son*

Mom:  Are you making any desserts?

Me:  I have one I’m planning on making

Mom:  I can make…well, I’ll really have to wait and see how much time I have…I have a lot going on tomorrow

 

While this might seem like a perfectly fine conversation, there’s a little history that goes along with it.  First, my mom is a college professor, and for those of you that don’t know, it’s a VERY flexible job and she only actually teaches two days per week.  The other is that we have conversations like this a lot, only most of the time she goes on about how stressed she is and how she never has any time for anything.  And me, I’m a working mom….I don’t get home until 5:00 each day, and then it’s time to make dinner, clean dishes, play with kids, do laundry, pack kids’ bag for the next day and then get everyone ready for bed.

 

My reminder for today is please remember that there is no crazy life like a life filled with kids.  I’ve had a career-driven life with no kids, and now I have one with kids, and it’s definitely a lot harder.  So be careful when you call you kids up and talk about how stressful your life is and how you never have time to do anything.  To prove my point, ask them when the last time they actually got to watch a full TV show together that didn’t involve puppets or big purple dinosaurs was?  Or when they actually got a good night’s sleep.  My point to my mom is that no matter how hard your day is, at least when you get home, you can plant yourself on the couch and sleep if you want to.  I, on the other hand, have to cook dinner and play with my little munchkins (OK, that’s not the hard part, but the baths and teeth brushing are not a walk in the park for me).  It’s not that we don’t care about your stressful day, it’s just hard for us to empathize when our lives are like that every single day!

Grandparents Can Really Do Too Much???

I was having dinner with our neighbors the other night and we got on the subject of grandparents.  One of the women has parents and in-laws that are the exact opposite of each other – Her parents do nothing, and her in-laws want to do everything.  Since I don’t have the latter, it was interesting listening to her frustrations.

 

She said that when she had her kids, her mother-in-law would come over and want to do everything (but nothing that was helpful) – she reorganized all of her drawers and closets (translates to this woman now had no idea where anything was) and kept bugging her to let her do more.

Like I said, I have never dealt with this, but I can see where it might be annoying.  For me, the ideal grandparent (especially as a new mom) would be someone that comes in and makes meals, and does general cleaning for me, and offers to take care of the baby when and only when the new mom needs a break.  Or a shower.  Or a nap.

One of the other women there shared her experience of her mother-in-law offering to bake this wonderful strawberry cake for her.  However, when she was done making it she went and sat her butt down on the couch, leaving the entire mess (sticky strawberry goo) for the new mom to clean up.  While this seems like an obvious problem to me (and most of you reading as well) apparently some people think it’s OK.

These two women also shared how when they were about to embark on motherhood their mothers told them “I raised my kids, don’t expect me to raise yours.”  What???  I think we need to look at the history of grandparenting – parenting should not stop when your kids turn 18.  Think about that all of you young men and women out there…don’t have kids if you want to be done at 18…it’s just not fair to your kids!

Little Ones (And Big Ones) Crave Equality

Today I want to touch on a topic that, unfortunately, hits pretty close to home with us, and that grandparents should not do:  Favoritism.

I don’t care who was born first, or who you live closest to, don’t spend more time or money on one grandchild than any of your other ones.  Not only does this hurt the grandchildren, but it also really hurts your child, a lot.

We have this problem with my in-laws.  Three of their four children live in the same city, now all with kids.  My nephew was born 11 months before my daughter.  They watch him every other week during the day.  My daughter came along and we got a song and dance about how newborns really just weren’t their thing.  They didn’t know what to do with them.  However, remember the nephew?  I saw her holding him, a lot.  My daughter got older and nothing changed.  Whenever they came to visit they stayed at my nephew’s house, not ours.  My son came along.  Still nothing.  They have stayed at our new house a total of 3 times I think in the past 6 months, and every other time (like I said, they’re up here at least once every two weeks) have stayed at my nephew’s.

Fast forward to today.  Hubby’s other sister just had a baby.  I don’t think the in-laws have left the new baby yet.  My son had his birthday party last weekend.  In-laws came with new baby, and left before party was over with new baby.  They didn’t even spend extra time with my son…on his birthday.

There are many other examples of this, but the purpose of this is not to sit and complain, it’s to educate.  My daughter has now started asking me questions about why grandma and grandpa are over at her cousin’s more than her house.  And why they sleep there and not at her house.  I can’t answer them without tearing up.  And I can’t stand to see my children upset over something that is so preventable.

Friends that I talk to tell me that moms are always closer to their daughters and that’s why they are at the other grandchildren’s houses.  I refuse to accept that.  She had a son.  A son that is deeply hurt that his parents would rather see their other grandchildren than his kids.  Besides, I don’t see his dad coming over by himself to hang out with the kids.  So I’m not only dealing with a daughter that is starting to understand what’s going on, I’m also dealing with a husband that feels rejected and that there’s nothing he can do to fix it.  We’ve tried inviting them over a ton.  When we ask them if they want to watch the kids it always seems like it’s such a hassle for them (did I mention they are in their 50’s and retired, active, healthy people?).

My friend’s parents do it a little differently.  They have a set of grandchildren that are close and then a set that lives one state over.  Instead of coming down to visit the out-of-state grandkids, they just try to buy them things.  This hurts my friend as not only does she not get to see her mom, but her children don’t get to know their grandparents either.  Toys and gifts don’t make up for personal time…ever.

So please, even if you think you’re being fair, review your activities and make sure.  And if you’re really awesome, talk to each of your kids about it.  My dad talks to me all the time when he feels like maybe he’s spent more time with my son than with my daughter.  And I have a very open relationship with my parents in that they know the struggles with the in-laws, and they are making notes about how to be fair when my sisters start having children.

You have to understand…kids love their grandparents.  There’s nothing more special to them in this world (especially when they are little) than their grandparents.  So make sure that you are fair to all of them, because even though they are little, they sure see and understand a lot of things, and equality is one of the biggest things they are looking out for. 

Grandparents: Baby-sit the Grandkids…Please!

Here’s the number one way to win “Grandparent of the Year” in my book – offer to baby-sit the grandkids as much as possible!

 I’m very fortunate…my parents watch my kids a lot!  Every weekend my dad will offer to watch the kids so that hubby and I can go out together.  It is so important to do things as a couple (or even by yourself) and we all know it’s pretty much impossible if you don’t have reliable people to watch your kids.  I’m also very fortunate that my parents watch my kids one day a week while I work, so my kids get a ton of good grandparent time.

 The other benefit of grandparents watching the kids is that a wonderful relationship is established between the grandkids and the grandparents.  I know some people that have parents that watch their kids once a year while they go on a mini-trip or something and the kids are screaming as the parents leave because they really have no idea who these people are that they are left with.

Now of course, this is intended for those grandparents that live close enough to make this a possibility.  For those that don’t, make sure that when you’re visiting or when your kids are visiting you that you offer to watch the kids at least once during the trip so that your kids can have a little break!

 So piece of advice #1:  Baby-sit those adorable little munchkins so your kids can have a break!

Introduction

Hello!

I am starting this blog (with the help of my husband) in order to help educate grandparents on being the best grandparents they can be.  We have two little ones and over the past four years have experienced a ton of good and bad grandparenting from our parents.  It seems that grandparents tend to forget what having little kids is like and that can be very frustrating!

 So as we think of things and as we get suggestions in we will post them here.  If nothing else, we want to be able to refer back to this when we ourselves are grandparents to help us remember what to do and not do with our kids and their new little ones!

 I hope you enjoy and please, feel free to comment and add your own suggestions when you comment.  We really would like all the input we can get!